Below is an incomplete analysis based on a single prompt for complimentary “push-pull” mechanisms. For more detailed examples refer to Trust Tensions or Family vs. Work
A wife decided to divorce and moved out with the child because he was throwing emotional tantrums at her. She felt that she had to support him emotionally all the time to make him feel good. On the other hand, he used to support her financially, and when she moved out, he felt like a ‘lamb being sheared’ and stopped supporting her. She finds it difficult to plan her finances and he feels like a victim because he has lost her emotional support
Analysis. The couple’s difficulties stem mainly from a cycle of emotional dependence and resentment. A complementary “dialectical push and pull” approach could involve each party recognising their own strengths and weaknesses and trying to balance them with those of the other.
To the man:
Strengths: He seems to be a good provider, as he earns a lot more and wants to contribute to the cost of childcare (as shown by his payment for the nursery and his acceptance of the voucher scheme).
Weakness: He has difficulty regulating his emotions, as shown by his outbursts and avoidance behaviour when his support system (his wife) was removed.
Wife:
Strengths: She appears to be resilient and able to put the child’s needs first. She is also good at planning and organising, as demonstrated by her use of the voucher system.
Weakness: She is dependent on his financial input and seems to have difficulty setting boundaries due to his erratic adherence to their agreements.
Possible actions and reflections:
Him: He needs to acknowledge the role his emotional outbursts played in the breakdown of the marriage and work with the therapist to find healthier ways of managing his emotions. He should also consider the impact of his inconsistent financial contributions on his child and ex-wife and find ways to ensure regular and reliable payments.
Her: She needs to set clear boundaries and expectations regarding his financial contributions, possibly with the help of a lawyer. If possible, she should consider ways of becoming less financially dependent on him. This may include finding additional sources of income or reducing expenses.
Push and pull mechanisms:
He needs to learn to manage his emotions on his own (push) and she could offer support and understanding as he works through this process (pull).
She needs to strive for financial independence (push) and he needs to accept and fulfil his financial responsibility for the child (pull).
Each person’s actions would be aimed at strengthening the weaker areas and the partner’s actions would be aimed at supporting the process. This would require effective communication, empathy and understanding on both sides.
Each point can be further linked to motivating associations